A Million Lights
by oxycodone
Summary: Lily Luna Potter can have anyone, boy or girl, but the one she really wants is in love with her cousin. Or is he ? And what if a certain blonde Slytherin is better for her ? How about Rose - who does she belong with? Not exactly a multichap, more like random - but related -moments. Lily/Teddy. Lily/Scor. Lily/random characters. Warnings: Self destructive behavior, sex & drug abuse.
1. darling doesn't have a problem

_**A/N: **_**A disclaimer: This is written for fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot. This is a drabble collection about Lily Luna Potter. They are written for the 52 Weeks of Writing 2013 Competition of AlwaysPadfoot. **

**_darling doesn't have a problem_**

Every year Scorpius Malfoy throws a New Year's party at the Malfoy Manor, the wildest event of the year. Rose and Lily always go together, it's their tradition. Every year, their night plays out in exactly the same way: Rose spends the night alternating between bickering and making out with Scorpius, while Lily lets boys buy her shots and play with her hair and grab her ass on the dance floor. At midnight Rose kisses Scorpius and Lily always has _someone_ to kiss too, someone different every year.

But this year, things are different. Suddenly, Rebecca Parkinson is hanging off Scorpius's arm everywhere he goes. Rose tries to act like she doesn't care, Lily knows she _shouldn't_. She knows a thing or two about fear of commitment herself and she knows Scorpius is just trying to prove a point to himself.

"Did you hear about that party ?" Rose asks her. "The one Victoire and Teddy are throwing ? All cousins are going, they never liked Slytherin parties anyway, we were the only ones that went." She suggests this year they join them. Lily almost feels sorry enough for her to agree. _Almost_. All her sympathy vanishes when Rose opens her mouth next: "Teddy and Victoire look so good together don't they ? The way Teddy looks at her ! He's obviously head over heels in love with her. They are meant to be." She sounds wistful, like she wishes Scorpius would love her like that, and totally oblivious to the way Lily presses her lips together tightly.

Lily goes to Scorpius's party anyway. All male heads turn when she enters and after 11 shots, 2 sloppy kisses and too many hands snaking up her thighs to count, she's finally had enough. She rushes out to the terrace. The cool air burns her lungs, it's snowing lightly and the hot tub looks so inviting, surface glistening. She takes off all her clothes and gets in, piling her hair on top of her head and leaning back, eyes closed.

After what seems like hours of just lying there, soaking in the tub, she hears the terrace door open and the soft hustle of clothes being removed. She opens one eye lazily and sees a smirking Scorpius Malfoy getting in. His chest reminds her of pale marble and she can't deny that he looks good. He scoots closer to her.

"The party got boring without you there to shake things up." He murmurs in her ear, his hand lightly tracing her thigh. She can smell the alcohol in his breath, hear the slight slurring of his words.

"I know you don't like Parkinson." She blurts out abruptly.

He chuckles. "Well, it doesn't take a genius. A bloody octopus, that girl is." He shakes her head, as if he can't believe how clingy Rebecca is.

"You like Rosie. And that scares you." She states, a strand of hair escapes her bun and falls over her eyes. She doesn't push it away.

His eyes darken. "You don't know shit about me, Potter." he growls and crushes his lips agains hers in a bruising kiss.

She remembers Rose crying softly in her sleep when she stayed over at their house. She remembers the flash of hurt in her eyes when she first saw Scorpius with Rebecca. She stays still for a moment, just letting him kiss her.

_They look so good together. They belong together. He is head over heels in love._

It's not about revenge, she tells herself. Rosie doesn't even know she… No, it's not revenge. She loves her cousin, she isn't angry. But she is who she is, and that's why she eventually kisses him back.

When he pulls back, breathless, she holds his face between her delicate little hands and whispers: "Do you know what my new year's resolution was ? To forget."

He doesn't ask any questions. He just reaches for his watch near the tub. "It's 20 minutes till midnight. I'd say we could still make it happen." As he leans forward to kiss her again, she stops him.

"What's yours ?" When he looks at her blankly, "Your new year's resolution, I mean." she adds impatiently, her breath coming out in a white cloud of smoke from the cold.

"I need answers. I think I might… I need to _know_, for sure." He says without missing a beat.

She gives him a weird look, then kisses him.

The sex is good. They are both experienced and they both like it rough. She tries to play with his hair a little afterwards, as an act of intimacy. But his hair is all wrong, so horribly blonde and so stiff. It's nothing like_ turquoise a_nd it sure as hell doesn't _change color. _

She stands up, gathering the sheets around herself and looking out to the breathtaking view from his bedroom window. She was never good with intimacy anyway. She glances at him, he is smoking muggle cigarettes (she knows it's sort of a "fuck you" to his father's past). He looks like a cliche straight out of those old muggle movies Rose likes so much and forces her to watch every single sleepover they have. He is almost glaring at her and she thinks she knows why: There she is standing, with her wild fiery hair tumbling down her back and lips swollen from kissing, her lithe form draped in sheets; looking absolutely nothing like a_ certain curvy brunette._

She snatches his cigarette from between his lips, taking a drag and passing it back.

"Did you get your answer ?" she asks, already knowing what he'll say.

"Yes." he says bitterly. _It wasn't the one I'd hoped for,_ she knows he wants to add, but he doesn't. "And you ? Did you manage to forget ?"

She decides to extend the same curtesy to him and not say what she's really thinking.

"Yes. For a while". She lies. "Wanna do it again ?"

She pauses as she leaves, her hand on the doorknob. She turns around and tosses the pale purple bra that had been dangling from her fingers towards him. "Keep it." She smirks, winking. She knows about Scorpius's little twisted habit, collecting all those trophies from all his conquests. He lets out a surprised laugh, a_ genuine_ one.

"Whoever he is, he's an idiot, Potter ! Just never forget that !" He calls after her as she slips out. A slight smile plays at her lips. She is always fun to be around, the life of the party, like she doesn't have a single problem. But when she is with Scorpius, it almost feels true. She realizes, with surprise, that she actually considers him a friend.

Rose and Scorpius get back together a month later. Scorpius _still _hasn't manned up and admitted he is falling in love with Rose. He still fucks Lily whenever he feels like he can't breathe, desperately searching for _"his answer"._ And Lily lets him, desperately trying to forget, knowing she never will. She also knows what his answer is, even though she doesn't say anything: _No. He cannot be with anyone else - not even one as gorgeous and skilled in bed as Lily - without thinking of Rose._

**Please review !**_  
_


	2. she don't wanna go outside tonight

_**A/N: **_**A disclaimer: This is written for fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot. This is a drabble collection about Lily Luna Potter. They are written for the 52 Weeks of Writing 2013 Competition of AlwaysPadfoot. **

**_she don't wanna go outside tonight_  
**

Lily sneaks up to the Astronomy Tower yet again. It's a bit like her sanctuary, she goes there whenever she feels like she's suffocating, and tonight's no exception. As usual, she has her muggle cigarettes and a bottle of Firewhiskey to keep her company. She sits on the floor, cross legged, her back against the beautiful view of Hogwarts grounds - because, really, she has had enough of _beautiful_, she needs the ugly and the twisted now**. **

She takes a drag from her cigarette, inhaling deeply, trying to get the smoke in every tiny corner of her lungs. It feels good, gives her a weird sense of satisfaction. She doesn't deserve clean, healthy lungs. She's not a clean healthy girl. She snorts to herself. It's pretty ironic how the mighty hero Harry Potter's daughter turned out so jaded. It is very fitting how she is the only Potter who ended up in Slytherin. She knows Albus was scared to end up in Slytherin, she'd heard him talking to their dad about it She always hears more than people guess, sees more, knows more. She just doesn't do anything about any of it, she doesn't care. She snorts again. She's a selfish fucking bitch, and she knows it. But people just don't see it. They see the smart and beautiful daughter of the great Harry Potter when they look at her, not the sneaky little Slytherin she knows herself to be. Sometimes she wonders how she got the way she is. After all, she has the perfect life. No excuses to be like this at all.

"Oi, Potter !" a male voice distracts her from her thoughts. She knows who it is without having to turn around.

"Hey Lorcan." She says, smiling despite herself. She's always liked the Scamander twins, Lorcan more than Lysander. They are complete opposites, character-wise. Aunt Luna has named them appropriately: Lorcan means "the fierce one" in some language she cannot remember, and Lysander's name is from some romantic play written by some famous muggle writer. And that is the way they are: Lorcan is fierce like his name, fun loving and energetic. Lysander is more grounded, smart and emotional. But they are both very loyal and honest boys, if not a little weird. Lily guesses they get their weirdness from their mother. But it's OK, Lily likes weird.

"Is that firewhiskey you have there ?" Lorcans says eagerly, settling down next to her.

She passes him the bottle wordlessly. He takes a swig and looks at her face intently.

"You look depressed." He observes.

She doesn't answer, she just lights up another cigarette.

"Muggle stuff." He says, taking the pack and inspecting it. "Do your parents know their precious little daughter smokes ?" He asks mockingly.

"Oh, they know. James ratted me out ages ago. And guess what ?" She blows out a perfect smoke ring. "Nobody cares."

He hears the dark edge in her voice, but still tries to keep it light. "Well, let's hope they don't find out _the other things you smoke_. I bet they would care then."

"Where's Lysander ?" She asks, smirking.

"Why do you care ? You think _he is way too intense and needs to lighten up_, don't you ?" He says, quoting her exact words to Lysander a couple days ago. She flinches a little, shocked that Lysander actually told Lorcan, but tries not to show it.

"Yeah, maybe I've changed my mind. He's definitely more fun than you anyway."

At this, Lorcan actually laughs. "Please," he says, shaking his head and bringing the bottle to his lips yet again. He has already drank half the bottle.

"Well, at least_ he_ doesn't_ meddle_. _You look depressed. Do your parents know you smoke ?_" She mocks him with venom in her voice. He doesn't flinch.

"I was just trying to make small talk. But maybe you don't want to talk. Maybe we should do something else." He suggests, his meaning clear.

"Yeah ?" She breathes huskily. She looks at his lips, lightly licking her own, and that's all the invitation he needs to close the distance between them.

She kisses him back, of course she does. Nobody has ever accused her of being a tease.

His hands are all over her and soon, he's taking her top off and she suddenly catches her reflection on the glass door to her right: Hair dishevelled, lipstick smudged, her lacy black bra striking against her pale, freckled skin, straps inching down her shoulders, Lorcan's blonde hair tickling her jaw as he kisses his way down her neck, hands grasping her hipbones hard enough that her skin around his fingers has turned white. Practically about to have sex with a boy she has no feelings for on top of the Astronomy Tower. And what truly feels like a slap in the face is, she _has_ had sex on top of the Tower before, with a boy she had no feelings for.

"I gotta go." She says suddenly, pushing him away. She feels sick to her stomach, wants to get away, run without saying a word of explanation to Lorcan, climb into her bed and curl up under the covers. But seeing Lorcan's handsome face twist in confusion softens her up a bit. She has always had a soft spot for the Scamander twins.

"It's been nice, um, _not talking to you_, Scamander. I just - I'm not in the mood tonight. Rain check for later ?" He sighs. "I just might hold you up to that promise, Potter."

She winks and pulls her shirt back on, grabs the bottle from his hands, takes a swig and gives it back.

"You keep the whiskey, darling." She says and shoves her pack of Marlboros into her skirt pocket, kissing him lightly on the lips before going down the stairs.

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	3. cheated myself, like I knew I would

_**A/N: **_**A disclaimer: This is written for**** fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot. This is a drabble collection about Lily Luna Potter. They are written for the 52 Weeks of Writing 2013 Competition of AlwaysPadfoot.**

**_cheated myself, like I knew I would_  
**

Lysander stands watching, transfixed. He knows it's wrong, knows he should leave but he just can't look away. It's fascinating in a totally sickening way: Her bright red hair spilling down her shoulders as she throws her head back, his dark head moving down her neck, leaving tiny bite marks in his wake, her long creamy legs wrapped around his waist, his rough hands digging in her thighs…

Then she suddenly looks up and meets his eyes. His blood goes cold. She stares at him intensely for a moment that feels like years to him, and his hand slips underneath her skirt and she - without breaking eye contact - _moans._

He licks his suddenly dry lips. He feels sick to his stomach but can't help the surge of desire going through his body like electricity when she pants "Oh,_ Professor_, please."

She gets up from her place under Zabini's arm on the couch by the fireplace, laughingly swats away Goldstein's hands trying to grab her thigh and pull her back, and says she has to leave, she has detention with Professor Thomas.

Lysander is right behind her and as she turns the corner, he grabs her wrist and pushes her against the wall.

"You can't keep doing this." He says, trying to sound authoritative but his legs are shaking.

Lily's eyes are dancing with amusement. "We are fucking in his room this time." She says conspirationally and he cringes at her choice of words. "You can't be there, I'm sorry. But if you really want a repeat performance, I can try to get him to fuck me in the hallway again." She smiles sweetly and pulls her wrist away. "I'll let you know." She winks and turns to go, he grabs her wrist again.

"He is a professor. You could get in so much trouble - both of you. This is just… _Wrong_." He says, ignoring her comments about him watching, his cheeks slightly pink with embarrassment and nervousness.

She laughs that ridiculous childish laugh of hers, the same laugh she's had since she was probably 3 years old.

"Oh, this is _wrong_ on so many levels, you have no idea. Dean - I mean, Professor Thomas-" She winks again. "Used to be _my mom's boyfriend."_ She laughs again at Lysander's expression, but this time her laugh sounds a little sad. He knows he looks like he is about to throw up. "That's right." She presses on mercilessly. He doesn't know if she's trying to shock him or herself. "He was her _first_ boyfriend ever, a high school romance. _How cute_, right ? Who knew he would grow up to be such a perverted old man ?"

He can taste salt and hopes he isn't tearing up. Her expression softens.

"I do so many _wrong_ things, Lysander. _I'm all horribly wrong._ You should stay away from me." Her voice is delicate, like she's speaking to a little child.

As she tries to free her wrist, he grabs it even tighter. His heart is thumping loudly against his chest. _It's now or never_, he thinks.

"I need to tell you something. Please hear me out and don't interrupt." He adds as he sees her opening her mouth, her expression dangerously close to pity. "This is wrong, yes, but it's not the only reason I'm asking you to stop this. Lily, I've watched you fu-" He can't bring himself to say the word. "_sleep with_ so many guys, even my own brother. You say you do a lot of wrong things, well I've watched you do most of that stuff and I've been pretending that I'm OK with it, but the truth is, I'm not. I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things." He is out of breath and scared to death as he finishes his little speech. Lily has a weird, wild look in her eyes and before he can start apologizing she leans in and kisses him, just a chaste peck on the lips.

"Thomas can wait." She whispers against his lips and kisses him again, deeper this time.

She leaves before he can wake up, gently lifting his arm draped over her, her shoes dangling from her hands. It's still dark out when she enters her dormitory, and she is shivering.

She didn't have to sleep with him, she knows that. But he had looked so vulnerable and boyish, professing his love to him, she couldn't help but be reminded of a little five year old girl telling a boy that she loves him. She remembers the way his turquoise hair had turned tomato red with embarrassment. She'd wanted to comfort him, give him what that young metamorphmagus wasn't able to able give that little girl, _or_ the young woman she would grow up to be. But this is _all_ she can ever give _anyone:_ Sex. It's the only way she knows to communicate. She is so starved for love, never getting the attention she craved so desperately from the one person that mattered to her, she has become greedy. Even as she tells herself that she just did it to give Lysander one night of his own, she knows that it was her insatiable greed for love, her need to take it from every single poor soul she didn't give a fuck about. She knows this, and it hurts _so fucking much. _

So as she curls up in bed, holding the ratty old teddy bear _he_ had given him, back when she was an innocent little girl, for the first time in 11 years, she cries.

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	4. crawl on hands and knees until you see

_**A/N: **_**A disclaimer: This is written for**** fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot. This is a drabble collection about Lily Luna Potter. They are written for the 52 Weeks of Writing 2013 Competition of AlwaysPadfoot.**

_**crawl on hands and knees until you see**_

Lily knows what Teddy is about to say long before the words leave his mouth.

She knows it before she sees their slightly nervous but still glowing faces. She knows it even before her mom announces that Teddy and Victoire will be joining them at dinner with this little secret smile on her face that makes Lily feel sick.

Maybe she's known it all her life.

So when Teddy says "We are getting engaged." and Victoire holds up her hand, a brilliant diamond ring glowing on her finger, Lily, already expecting it, is able to put on a surprised yet pleased expression and be the first one to jump up from her chair to hug them.

She knows she shouldn't hate her cousin who is nice to everyone, but as she hugs her fiercely, all she can think of is _how much she wants to sink her nails in the delicate skin of her back_.

And it scares her.

So she laughs and gushes and drinks so much that she is amazed how no one can see through how fake she is acting. She suggests to Teddy and Victoire that they come to Scor's party with her to celebrate. Teddy isn't so sure but Victoire, delighted that her normally distant cousin is being so warm and excited for them, agrees. Lily normally just throws on whatever, as guys are always all over her regardless of what she wears, but tonight she makes a real effort with her outfit.

But Victoire still looks _more_ beautiful. She _always_ does. And Teddy doesn't even notice her outfit, much less comment on it. He _never_ does.

Before they apparate, he pulls her aside and her heart beats like crazy but the words he whispers in her ear are completely wrong: "Please don't tell anyone we are engaged - we will be throwing a party next week for our closest friends and tell everyone then. We just wanted to share the good news with our _family_ first." He beams at her, and she laughs with her usual 3-year-old laugh and says "Of course I won't, Teddy.", kissing him on the cheek.

When Lily shows up at his party later that night with _the golden couple_ in tow, Scorpius can feel something's off. He can practically smell _the danger_ surrounding her. All night she flirts and dances and laughs and drinks. He watches her and sees her watch Teddy out of the corner of her eye, hoping he is looking. _But he never is_. Finally, some time after midnight, she disappears up the stairs with that muggleborn guy from Hufflepuff who looks way too old to be at Hogwarts. She looks over her shoulder to see if Teddy notices, but he is laughing at something Victoire said. Scorpius notices though and he follows her.

He knows that this is the guy who provides the _"muggle party favors"_ for parties, which are all the rage nowadays. He has even tried them himself, with a few fellow Slytherin friends who thought, like he had, they were defying their parents' shady Death Eater past by doing filthy muggle drugs. So he knows how easily things can get ugly. He isn't opposed to partying, but that muggle shit is fucking dangerous, swiping your mom's Calming Drought or smoking the hallucinogenic plants in the greenhouse does the job just fine and, unlike muggle stuff, can't _kill_ you.

So when he sees her snorting a line of white powder - he cannot remember what it's called - while that shady dealer guy is pressing sloppy kisses on her shoulder, inching her bra strap down, her black camisole on the floor, balled up, her shoes at different corners of the room, he can't help himself. He knows he should stay out of it, but he just _can't_.

He pushes the dealer off her and pulls her up, tugging on her wrist.

"What the _fuck_ ?" She yells, _her eyes so full of hate_, he almost recoils.

_Almost._ He cares about her, despite the fact that they fuck on a regular basis, he sort of feels like she is his little sister who needs to be protected. And she sort of _is_.

So he stays firm and angry. He drags her in front of the mirror.

"What the _hell_ are you doing Scorpius ?" she hisses.

"Look at yourself !" He hisses right back. "Look what you've become - is this _really_ who you are ? Is this how you wanna end up ?"

And they both look at her reflection. Wild messy hair tumbling down, her emerald green eyes wide and blank, her dark eye make up all smudged, adding to her slightly crazed look, a tiny cut on her lower lip from rough kissing, a medium sized love bite on her shoulder, her bra straps tugged down her arms, black sequined skirt riding up, showing her lacy panties, her feet bare.

There is a long silence. Finally, she turns around ever so slowly to face him.

"_Teddy and Victoire got engaged."_ she states tonelessly.

With those five little words, Scorpius can feel his heart literally break for her. He remembers the day he found out so clearly, remembers feeling just as useless watching her cry as he does now watching her act so lifeless and numb.

_Four months ago, after yet another argument with Rose, he went to Lily's, as usual. He knew the Potters were out of town and she was all alone. He found her sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the fireplace, a bottle of wine clutched in her hands, a second, empty one lying next to her. When she saw him, she knew what he came for: he always came for the same thing. But this time, she didn't tear his clothes off. Instead she began crying and he hugged her, feeling awkward. "I'm in love with him, Scor." she sobbed on his shoulder. "I'm in love with Teddy. And I can never have her. Never. But you already have Rose. You have her, and you can't even see what a rare gift that is. A gift that people like me would kill for. And you are throwing it all away just because you are scared of love." _

_He was completely dumbstruck, with no idea what to say, so he tried to comfort her in the only way they both knew how: He fucked her. And they've never talked about Teddy or Rose ever since. _

_Until now_.

"Lil, I'm so -" He begins.

"Don't." she spits out, her eyes flashing with anger once again. "_Don't_, Scorpius. Don't you _dare_ say you're sorry, I'm _warning_ you."

He knows she hates people feeling sorry for her, but he can't help it. And she knows he pities her.

"_I_ feel sorry for _you_. _You_ are the pathetic one. You fool _yourself_ and everyone else saying Rose isn't your girlfriend and you aren't in love with her. At least _I_ can admit my own feelings to _myself_. If I had the _luxury_ of admitting them to -" Her voice breaks and she doesn't finish her sentence. "Just stop acting like you are _my fucking brother_ or some shit." She hisses.

But his fingers are digging in her skin and her wrist bones feel too delicate and she looks just like a child, so he cannot get angry about the things she says.

She pulls her wrist free and glances at the dealer guy who hasn't moved from the place Scorpius pushed him and is staring at the ceiling, obviously fucked up from that white powder.

"I'm leaving - to that other party I told you about. Coming ?" Without waiting for an answer, or putting on her shoes or her top, she turns on the spot, disapparating.

The guy may be high, but he is a _guy_, and when Lily Luna Potter leaves the room, guys tend to follow. So he scurries to get up and with a crack, he is gone too.

And Scorpius is left standing by himself in the middle of the bedroom, feeling like Lily is slowly slipping away to a dark place no one can come back from, and there is nothing he can do about it.

**Please review !**


	5. you are my experimental game

_**A/N: **_**A disclaimer: This is written for**** fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot. ****This is a drabble collection about Lily Luna Potter. They are written for the 52 Weeks of Writing 2013 Competition of AlwaysPadfoot.**

_******you are my experimental game**_

When sweet and innocent Alice Longbottom, daughter of her herbology professor, comes to her to inquire about her problems, worried out of her mind, Lily Luna can't help but inwardly roll her eyes. She is so tired of all the questions, of all the worry reflected in everyone's faces. They keep talking about her _"downward spiral",_ but no one understands this is how she keeps herself from going insane.

Alice keeps talking on and on and it gets a little bit harder for Lily with every word she utters. It's like she will never shut up, and finally Lily can bear it no longer.

So she does what she always does when she wants to shut someone up: She crushes her lips against Alice's.

Alice, being the nice, sweet, _fucking prude_ that she is, is shell shocked. She tries to pull away.

But Lily is unrelenting, and an extremely good kisser, even if she does say so herself.

So, as Lily knew she would, Alice kisses her back.

Lily knows it's the younger girl's first time, but she can't slow down. She just can't.

She isn't gentle. She is rough, urgent and primal.

Alice sees stars and is completely swept away.

Lily is merely distracted for a while. Which is exactly what she needs: a distraction so she will stop thinking about _him._

In the morning, Alice wants sweet kisses and breakfast in bed.

Lily starts gathering her clothes.

She sees the crestfallen look on the girl's face, but she doesn't feel any pity.

So what if she hurt her feelings ? She shouldn't have asked so many damn questions then. Or at least she shouldn't have let Lily be her first.

Everybody knows Lily Luna Potter is bad news, a real heart breaker.

_Oh well,_ she thinks as she hears a quiet sob coming from Alice's bedroom, _as they say, "curiosity killed the cat"._

Outside, the fresh air on her face is refreshing and she feels exactly the same way she does after conquests: like she is taking bits and pieces from their souls to fill her insides.

Her soul is long gone, she is nothing but an empty shell, feeding off on other people's emotions like a_ fucking Dementor _or something.

**Please review !**


	6. in shadows we can hide

_**A/N: **_**A disclaimer: This is written for**** fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot. ****This is a drabble collection about Lily Luna Potter. They are written for the 52 Weeks of Writing 2013 Competition of AlwaysPadfoot.**

**_while the sun he sleeps, in shadows we can hide_**

_He kisses her_.

She can't believe it.

She has dreamed of this moment so many times, how he would press his lips against hers, how he would touch her, the way she would feel…

And here it is. The moment she has been waiting for all her life. Her biggest dream come true.

He has gotten in a fight with Victoire and he's been drinking, she can taste the alcohol on on his tounge.

She throws herself into the kiss, feeling pure life pumping through her veins. Feeling, finally, _alive._

He is nothing and everything like she thought he would be. Fierce, full of need, broken. He clings to her like she is the only thing that ties him to life, his last hope, and she revels in it, feeling light headed from all the sensations. Everything except him becomes blurred, like he is the only real thing in her world. _This,_ she thinks, _must be what "swooning" means_.

When it's over, he panics He says it can't happen again, that it was a mistake.

She doesn't even hear him. She knows that now that she's finally got him, after all those years of wistfulness, she can't let him go. _She won't let him get away._

A million awkward silences, sneaky glances and flustered stuttering later, he kisses her again.

_This time fully sober._

Afterwards, he says that they have to talk about this. Set some ground rules.

It's the last thing she wants to do, but for him,_ anything._

"I love her." he flat out tells her. She can feel a burning flash of pain in her chest, but she ignores it. After all, ignoring is kind of her thing.

"But you… You have… Some kind of hold over me. I can't explain it, it's like I can't help myself around you. I thought it was a drunken mistake, after all I've never looked at you that way before, always considered you family-" Another flash of pain. She swallows it back. "-but after that kiss, I just can't stop thinking of you. I tried to stop, but I just can't. "

It feels like her heart is about to explode. _Please don't let me faint,_ she chants in her head. _Please don't let me faint._

But I can't do this to Victoire either." he continues, oblivious to how her hands are shaking like mad. She clenches them in fists, willing them to stay steady. "I have to clear up my head and figure out a way out of this - this bloody mess. I'd say we should stay away from each other until then but -" his eyes flicker down to her lips, and he licks his own. "- I know I can't. So we keep this secret. For a while, until I find a way." He finishes nervously, scared that she will refuse.

She tries not to laugh. _As if she could refuse_.

And later, while she is lying in her bed, she can't help but smile bitterly at the irony. It's the same old thing she always does - a meaningless but exciting affair. A thrilling chase. Except now _she_ is the prey, not the hunter.

She always used to wonder why people put up with her. Didn't they think they deserved better ? Didn't they know she was trouble ?

Now she understands. There is no limit to how low people can sink for a certain kind of obsessive love.

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	7. come on baby, can you bleed like me ?

_**A/N: **_**A disclaimer: This is written for**** fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot. ****This is a drabble collection about Lily Luna Potter. They are written for the 52 Weeks of Writing 2013 Competition of AlwaysPadfoot.**

_**come on baby, can you bleed like me ?**_

Razor blades are Lily's brand new toy.

She never thought she was the type to do this kind of thing, she thought it was reserved for annoying, depressed losers. _Emos,_ she believes they were called.

But after nights of watching nauseatingly happy scenes - _Teddy dancing with Victoire, Teddy kissing Victoire, Victoire planning their wedding_ - pretending her heart isn't breaking into a million pieces, and nights of stolen moments and breathless kisses, feeling dirty, _used_; she can sympathize.

So she slits her soft skin open and watches the blood trickle down her wrists, calmly sipping her Firewhiskey straight from the bottle.

With cutting, she gets to control the pain for a change. She gets to control when and how much it hurts. She can heal herself anytime if she gets bored of staining her pale skin crimson. _She is in charge_.

When Teddy sees her scars, he is horrified. He screams at her.

"What are you _doing_ to yourself Lily ?" he asks, sounding repulsed.

"No, Teddy boy. The question is, what are _you_ doing to _me_ ?" She encounters calmly.

He looks as if she slapped him.

"We should end this." he says firmly one day, when he spots an unusually deep cut on her collar bone, clumsily healed.

She almost loses it. She trashes and screams and throws things.

"You said everything was going to be _okay_ !" She screams hysterically. "You said you would figure out a way ! If we end this now, what was the _point_ ? Why did you start this, just to have someone new to fuck for a while, a change of fucking pace ?"

He tries to hold her as she kicks and pushes and tries to bite like a rabid animal.

She ends up on her knees, sobbing into his chest.

The next day, they continue - whatever this thing between them is - like nothing happened.

**Please review !**


	8. if i just lay here,would you lie with me

_**A/N: **_**A ****disclaimer: This is written for**** fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot.**

_**if i just lay here, would you lie with me ?**_

Lily is pretending to be asleep. She cannot open her eyes and face Scorpius.

Last night, she took too many Muggle drugs. She still vividly remembers the visions she had under influence: Victoire and Teddy's wedding, killing Victoire, fucking Teddy as his face morphed into sweet Alice Longbottom's….

She does not remember deciding to end it all though. But she must have, it is the reason she is lying in the hospital wing with bandages around her wrists, holding her flesh and bones and veins together.

Scorpius is her hero, the one who, as always, saved her from herself. Not Teddy. Teddy was at a date with his girlfriend as she severed her wrists in the filthy bathroom of a dingy Muggle bar.

Scorpius hasn't left her side since last night, not even to go to the bathroom or something. She hears Madam Pompfrey telling him he should get some sleep, but he ignores her.

Around noon, Rose comes in.

"What happened ?" She hears her ask. Her voice is flat, and considering the circumstances, she does not sound all that worried, really.

"You know what happened." Scorpius snaps, and Lily wonders vaguely why he sounds so angry. "She tried to fucking kill herself. But you don't give a shit about that, do you ? It isn't why you came."

Lily cannot understand why he would say that, and she is expecting Rose to deny it, to say _of course_ she is worried about her cousin, and that's why she is here. But that is not what she says.

"Why are you the one who found her ? What were you doing in that Muggle bar with her when you told me you couldn't meet up because you were writing a paper for Herbology ?" She demands.

"I think you know." He replies, sounding cold and hurtful.

"Did you sleep with her ?" Rose's voice catches in her throat, she is beginning to sound hysterical now.

"_Yes_." He says, putting a great deal of emphasis on the word, as if he is trying to hurt her. "Several times, actually. I've been fucking her since New Year's."

Lily's heart skips a beat. She can't help it, she opens her eyes, just a little bit, to see Rose's expression.

There are tears in her eyes and just at that moment, she turns to Lily and their eyes meet. She slowly opens her eyes, seeing it is useless to pretend now.

Rose doesn't say anything. She simply stares at her and there is _so much_ hate in her eyes that Lily flinches, feeling as if she is slapped.

She turns back to Scorpius. "You deserve a mess like her. Damaged goods." She bites out cruelly. .With that, she turns on her heels and leaves.

There is a sob and when Scorpius takes her hand in his, Lily realizes it was hers. She is crying.

"Sh-she hates me." She states unnecessarily between sobs. "Y-you are all I - all I h-" She can't finish her sentence, it hurts too much.

Without a word, he climbs into bed with her and holds her tight agains his chest. She curls up into him, wishing she could make herself smaller and smaller until she finally disappears.

**Please review !**


	9. all i ever needed is here in my arms

_**A/N: **_**A ****disclaimer: This is written for**** fun, not profit. I do not own anything except the plot.**

_**all i ever needed is here in my arms**_

"Scorpius asked me to marry him. We are getting engaged." Lily looks deep into the eyes of her cousin, searching for signs of discomfort. It has been exactly a year since that night something between them broke. But they have put it back together. It isn't perfect, you can still see the cracks, but they are whole again. They are family. But still, Lily isn't sure if she will be okay with them getting engaged, and she waits for a reaction, anxious.

Rose sighs. "I know. He told me before he asked you. Seriously guys, what is it with you asking my permission ?"

Lily doesn't reply, she just keeps staring at her, waiting.

Rose rolls her eyes. "God, you look like a fucking child, with your eyes all big and shit. Fine, I give you my blessing."

"Rose." Lilu scolds. "I mean it, are you okay with it ? Coz if you are not -"

"Lil, listen. You guys are good together. _He_ is good for you, you are the best version of yourself with him. And Scorpius and I… We never would have worked, I see it now. Not that my relationships usually end up that great anyway." She adds, referring to her little fling with Lysander Scamander.

Lily can't help but laugh - they were so wrong together, Lysander and Rose, it's kind of funny in a morbid way. "Maybe you should start dating girls or something, Rosie." She jokes, relaxing a little now that she knows her cousin is fine with everything that is going on.

But Rose doesn't laugh like Lily expects her to. "Maybe I _should_." She mumbles vaguely, and when Lily follows her gaze, she sees that Rose is staring at Alice Longbottom who is splashing in the Lake with her friends, laughing, looking like she is having the time of her life.

Lily smiles. Now, _Alice_ would be perfect for her Rosie. She would know, she has sampled a taste of what being with sweet little Alice would be like, herself.

/

That night, Teddy comes to her house. He reeks of alcohol and there is a pained expression on his face. He tries to kiss her but she pushes him away.

She is done sleeping around. She is done with _him_.

When seducing her doesn't work, he starts begging.

"Don't marry him, Lil. Please."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't ?" She asks calmly. Nothing he will say can change her mind, she knows it, but she is still curious to his answer.

"I- I need you." he says softly, and he looks so heart breakingly handsome and innocent.

But Lily does not feel _anything_, she realizes, surprised. She expected as soon as she set eyes on him, she would go crashing down in his arms again. But she doesn't even feel pity. She remembers how horribly, twistedly wrong he made her feel. She deserves better, someone that makes her feel okay. And Scorpius makes her feel better than okay - he makes her feel _good_. Beautiful. Special. Safe. She always comes _first_ with him. Never second best. Never the plan B. Never the back up.

"You and I would never work, Teddy boy." She says coldly, enjoying every cutting worth she utters."You can't stand up for what you feel, you can't own up to your mistakes. You want to have your cake and eat it, too. You are selfish and weak, _pathetic_, even."

She sees his face turn ugly with anger. His turquoise hair turns flaming red, matching her own.

"You bitch !" He screams, spluttering. "You - _you_ came to _me,_ _you_ seduced _me. Y_ou begged me to stay every time I tried to get out ! And now _you_ have the nerve to tell _me_ we wouldn't work ? _You_ call _me_ pathetic ? Your fiancé, he is your cousin's ex ! It's what you do, you always want what you can't have !"

Lily smiles. "Oh, but I _can_ have _him_. Rose is actually happy for us. And I still want _him,_ unlike _you_. I get why you are so angry Teddy boy, I really do. But you shouldn't take it personally. It's just… Survival of the fittest. I need someone strong, for some balance, you know. Like you mentioned, I'm not exactly the poster child of strength myself." She laughs a little. "So… Good night, Teddy. Have a nice life. I know _I_ will".

And with that, she slams the door in his rage filled, incredulous face.

For the first time in her life, Lily Luna Potter feels content.

**Please review !**


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